"Your Ex-Lover is Dead"

after Torquil Campbell

df parizeau

df parizeau (they/them) is a scottish/franco-ontarian editor, writer, and bookseller who still ties their shoes “bunny-ears” style. Their work has been featured online and in print by publications in Canada, Finland, the UK, and the US. df currently resides and writes on the traditional and unceded land of the Kwantlen, Katzie, and the Semiahmoo nations in so-called Surrey, BC. They are currently working on their first full length manuscript, which explores the dialogue between a body suffering through chronic pain and memory.

“‘Your Ex-Lover is Dead’ is in response to the Stars song ‘Your Ex-Lover is Dead’ while also drawing inspiration from medical assessment charts.”

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Your ex-lover is dead
they have (circle all that apply)

gained / lost weight     in their

              cheeks / chin / soft spot under their clavicle where you used to nestle / hips / butt / calves

                                          they have shaved / grown out / trimmed
                                          their mutton chops / designer stubble that irritated
                                          you every time you necked / soul patch / fu-manchu / james harden

their hair is

longer / shorter / has bangs / asymmetrical

                                          is now blue / green / leopard spotted / ombre / bleached
                                          like all your favourite grunge singers of the 90s / the same colour
                                          as on your first date / first kiss / the day you both
                                          came out to their parents / September 11th 2001

they have entered

              a goth / punk / hardcore / otaku (even though they constantly
              told you anime is dumb) / country music phase

and now

                            collect commemorative spoons / stamps / vinyl records / vintage ties like the ones
                            your dad used to wear to amateur stand up night / comic books / old transit tickets

they now walk with

a swagger / a limp / a mobility aid
that your sister helped them pick out / a spring in their step / with their shoulders hunched

they

                            lost their job / got a raise / went backpacking around Europe
                            plan to backpack around Europe when the pandemic is over / are up for a
                            promotion / transferred cities

they are having

better / worse / gayer / much
gayer / neither objectively or subjectively

                                                                                    different / kinkier

sex than you had with them

                                                                      they’ve blocked you on

twitter / facebook / Instagram / myspace even though your profile has been inactive since 2005 /
pinterest

                                                                                                                                                  swiped right on you

accidentally / for the laugh / out of sympathy

shortly after your ex-lover died, they boxed up all of the things you left at their place and

                                          buried the box / burned it along with all the cutouts of your face from old
                                          photos / put it out with their trash / mailed it to you COD / brought it to
                                          your place of an employment

handed you the box with

a smirk / a scowl / tears in their eyes / handed it to your boss instead

and they

never / might possibly / aren’t expecting to / hear from you ever again

your ex-lover is dead and their / your  life is

                                                                                                                               better / better / better / better

 

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